May 24, 2012

The Onion Daily Dispatch - May 24, 2012

The Onion
Thu May 24, 2012

Quiet Temp Actually Very Untalented Singer-Songwriter 05.24.12

PITTSBURGH—Having established a reputation among the Flagstone Marketing staff as a quiet and reserved temporary worker, Kevin Bright completely shocked his coworkers this week when it was discovered that, outside the office, the mild-mannered...

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Egypt Holds First Presidential Elections

"I just hope they elect to be happy; that's the most important thing of all."

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Come On! There Has To Be One Person In This Goddamn School Who's Been Molested

by Ted Bartlett, Guidance Counselor

By Ted Bartlett, Guidance Counselor

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Nation's Cotton Candy Crop Ravaged By Carnival Weevils

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Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19

No one can argue effectively without the correct set of tools, so make sure you have a hammer in each hand.

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