May 3, 2012

The Onion Daily Dispatch - May 03, 2012

The Onion
Thu May 03, 2012

Obama Asks Staff To Try To Include National Security Adviser A Little More 05.03.12

WASHINGTON—According to White House sources, President Obama gently urged his staff Monday to try to include national security adviser Thomas Donilon a little more in the operation of the U.S.

News in Brief »

Secret Service's Prostitution Scandal Did Not Affect President's Security, White House Adviser Madame Chartreuse Says

American Voices »

Jessica Simpson Has Baby

"Jessica looks great ever since she lost those last few pounds of baby."

opinion »

As Long As My Child Does Something That Makes Him Happy And Wins The National Book Critics Circle Award For Fiction, I'll Be Proud

by Gregory MacIntyre

By Gregory MacIntyre

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Mosquito's Life Cut Short

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